jayilladel on Xanga

Weblog

Sunday, 12 December 2010

Five years ago, when I lived in East Harlem, I started collecting plants. We shopped at this grocery store called Fine Fare and alongside the sprinkled cakes and extensive selection of Goya products, they had plants. They were really cute. The plants kind of reminded me of the Simpson family. Some had spikey hair like Lisa, some were cylindrical like Marge. I bought one new plant a week for several months. Our apartment was just filled with all of these funny little plants, and I did a very good job of keeping them healthy and watered. But then something happened. I honestly can't remember if I stopped watering them, or the weather changed, or what. But they all died! All at once!

Ever since then, I've stayed away from plants. Recently, though, I was given two really funny ones. (Pictured). The large, Floridian plant came from Jen Ed, apparently it doesn't need a lot of light or attention because it's been doing well for months. The smaller one is from my mother. It's slow-growing, and prefers a small pot which is good because I don't have a large pot. So far, so good!

From Jen Ed

From Mom

(Sorry, I can't figure out how to get these photos upright on xanga)

Saturday, 28 August 2010

Honeyfund

In lieu of wedding gifts, we asked our friends and family to contribute to something called a Honeyfund. Honeyfund is an online honeymoon registry where you list a variety of enticing activities, like "Swim with the dolphins!!" and people purchase them for you.

Back in February when we set this up, we knew we were going to Hawaii but little else.

PRE-PLANNING

Without any real itinerary, we copied and pasted the names of places and things from Fodors.com and let our imaginations run free. Each was accompanied by a cutesy subhead. My favorite was Sunshine Markets: Bananas. Mangos. Papayas. Lychees! This was purchased by Amalia, shortly after we sent out our Save the Date.

Tom's Grandma, Myrtle, was the first to discover the dirty little secret about Honeyfund. I don't know if she went online and checked it out or if she just thought the logistics through in her head, but either way she was on to the thing and quickly shared her revelation with the family. One Sunday afternoon in April, Tom's mom called. "Myrtle says the Honeyfund doesn't actually purchase the gifts. That it's just sending money to you. Is that true?"

It was true, and Myrtle was right. Either way, the money still went to straight to our honeymoon. Whatever, Myrtle!

People definitely purchased the fun stuff first. Anything with the word "Champagne" went quickly. "Rental Car," not so much.

UPON ARRIVAL

My favorite gift in real life was Snorkel Time: A morning with the fishes at Lydgate Beach Park. We never went to Lydgate Beach Park, because we found out that's where the babies and toddlers hang. Instead we went on this deep-sea snorkel cruise to the Na Pali coast, and the "Forbidden Island" where the only true, native Hawaiians still live. The catamaran tour was just awesome.

We met this couple from Dallas on the boat. She worked in PR and I can't remember what he did. They had gotten married the Saturday before, on the same day as our reception. They didn't seem to be getting along and spent very little time together during the 7-hour excursion, but who am I to judge. Their role in my favorite moment of the trip was auxiliary.

OUT AT SEA

The best part came on the way home. The stoners piloting the boat needed to make it back in time for their next shift, so for the 30 or so miles from Ni'ihau (Forbidden Isle) to Kauai, they put the pedal to the medal and started serving beer.

The boat was going so fast and cut through so many waves that we were given strict instructions NOT to bend our knees, as this would create a springboard-like effect that would propel the body into the air. THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED, to a short fattish woman from Mississippi who was dancing to "Fame" by The Police, and was plucked out of the air by a stoned young crew member just before she went over the side of the catamaran.

Tom was pretty seasick. I could tell because he kept belching and making faces, but I was also confused because he was drinking a lot of the complimentary beers and claimed they were "helping his stomach." Anyway, there was a British family that was way drunker.

Tom, managing his seasickness

Typical British millionaire dad with grey curly hair, in weird tropical dad gear and sunglasses. Boy and girl teenagers. And mom, oh mom. She was a hot mom, and she was having a lot of fun. All four of them were stationed up at the front right side of the boat, ocean water splattering over their faces and beers in their hands.

THE MOST MEMORABLE MOMENT OF OUR HONEYMOON

I was sitting on a bench inside the boat. The co-captain had just yelled at me, because I got up to get my sunblock and lost my balance and he told me to “find a place and stay there.” So I was sort of sulking by myself and applying sunblock and also suddenly feeling a little seasick.

Post-sunblock, pre-catastrophe

Well along comes the Hot British mom, AKA Hot Mess and I think she wanted her sunblock too. ‘Cause she comes tear-assing through the cabin and just BITCH SLAPS ME CLEAR ACROSS THE FACE.

It was truly shocking. I looked up at her with a face that I wish had been captured on film, partly for my expression and mostly because of the blood.

She was pretty shocked too, because she turned back, looked at me, and said: “That wasn’t you, was it?” I was super embarrassed and a lot of people on the boat were looking at us, so I tried to brush it off. But the reality of the situation set in, and she started freaking out a little so I decided to clear the scene.

I found my way back to Tom and the now-totally drunk husband from the Dallas. Tom missed the action, but Drunk-n-Dallas had seen the whole thing and was nearly incapacitated with laughter. “That woman just bitch slapped you!” he kept saying, and then he would just double over laughing, and then straighten up in fear of springboarding off the boat, and then get another beer and repeat the whole thing over.

THE RESPONSE

For the last 10 miles back to Kauai, I was fixated on coming up with the perfect response for the British Mom who was clearly upset, but also drunk and giddy. She finally came over to apologize for a seventh time, and I delivered this gem:

“That was a real Hawaiian Punch!”

Blank stare. She didn't even get it. Freaking British people!

Saturday, 26 June 2010

Photorealistic

I just did an incredibly accurate drawing of Beavis and Butthead.

Thursday, 25 March 2010

Three fingers

I have this problem counting months and days, so I have to use my fingers.

"March 25th to April 25th," 1 finger.

"April 25th to May 25th," 2 fingers.

"May 25th to June 25th," 3 fingers.

Oh my f'ing g*d, we're going to be MARRIED IN LESS THAN THREE MONTHS!

Sunday, 10 January 2010

DENIED

Can I afford it? is a Suze Orman segment. People talk to Suze about the things they want to spend their money on, and she gives a resounding "APPROVED" or "DENIED" at the conclusion. The topics are sometimes ludicrous, like a guy wanting a $3000 pogo stick, or a woman wanting to buy a calf. If I remember correctly, the guy with the pogo stick was "APPROVED" because he needed to lose weight, or planned to make extra cash by renting it out, or something. Her decisions come down fast and hard, and often reflect harshly upon her subjects.

Suze would have a field day with our laundry budget. Tom and I would be majorly "DENIED" if we ever took it on the show. America would hate us.

For years, we did it at the laundromat. We would sweat by the dryers, humming alongside the spirited and foul-mouth teens from the shelter next door. There were often fights. Sometimes between me and the gay teens. Often between me and Tom. It would pile up for weeks, and we would finally cram it into our laundry basket and a couple of trash bags and then cart it haphazardly down First Avenue, five blocks, to the nearest self-service laundromat. It was during these trips that my self-consciousness would get the best of me. I could feel the stares of the passers-by. Each was wondering whether or not I was a homeless person. He seems well dressed, but that cart -- surely it's filled with garbage and cans. So sad.

Embarrassed and edgy, I would end up snapping something mean at Tom about how badly he was maneuvering the cart. He would snap back. We would load the washers in silence, and sit on the plastic seats reading "Steppin' Out" magazine and making faces at one another for a couple of hours.

But then one Spring day in 2009, the camera shop under our apartment morphed into a full-service laundromat. We weren't expecting it. We just woke up and it was covered in red, white and blue flags. There was music playing. I stepped inside to request a rate card, and a Korean family, Mom, Dad, and teenage Son, greeted me with open arms. "You are our first customer, ever!"

Mom took me through a lengthy cost-benefit anaylsis of doing the laundry yourself versus bringing it to them. Pitching was new to her. She kept mentioning the price of detergent, which only half made sense 'cause it's pretty cheap, but she also mentioned the stress and wasted time of doing yourself.

I nodded eagerly, and Tom and I decided that sending the laundry out was good for our relationship, this fledgling business... the New York City economy, dammit! And the rest is history. Skyline Cleaner takes us to the, well... you know.